The atmosphere following a confession seemed governed by an unspoken rule, resulting in yet another awkward silence. Despite the cacophony of people chatting and the sound of waves filling the air, a feeling of being disconnected from the world prevailed. On this boat, it felt as though only Kang Sihyun and Najik were truly isolated.
The isolation wasn't quite the right word for it, but it was as if they were separated from everything else.
Whether it was genuinely a long time or just felt lengthy due to the slow passage of perceived time, the silence was eventually broken by a small sigh from Sihyun.
Sihyun knew that Najik liked him.
It wasn't the first time he had received a proper confession, but there had been hints before, and from the beginning, Najik had made it clear that he had a fondness for him.
However, Sihyun hadn't realized that these feelings were so profound.
To Sihyun, who had thought of it as mere affection or interest, especially since it was directed towards someone of the same sex, the situation was rather bewildering.
What had he done to Najik, and what significant event had occurred between them that could justify such affection?
"Do I need a reason to like you?"
Suddenly, Najik's voice echoed in his ears. Without any provocation, Sihyun flinched, his gaze inadvertently meeting the platinum-haired boy who was staring at him for no apparent reason.
Would he have understood if he had ever liked someone?
If he had known it would be like this, he should have read more proper romance novels, not the internet novels about falling in love while running with toast in one's mouth.
His thoughts deepened, and his blue eyes clouded over. Despite the numerous thoughts and internal debates, no conclusion was reached. Honestly, he still didn't understand.
"I don't get it."
"What don't you get?"
"That you could like me this much."
"..."
"I've never been particularly warm to you. By your own admission, I've been the harshest to you."
It was said with a cautious tone, almost like a confirmation kill.
In the early part of the semester, Najik had emanated a particularly ominous and intense aura among the four boys. Given that he was already a subject of wariness, and his unpredictable nature only doubled that caution, Sihyun had found himself reacting sharply to Najik's provocations.
At least that much was undeniable.
And yet, Najik still liked him.
Was that even possible?
"...Maybe you have a special preference?"
"What?"
Najik's eyes widened in response, a rebuttal in place of a denial, causing Sihyun to swallow his embarrassment. Despite his harsh treatment, Najik's consistent affection had led him to wonder if there was some form of masochistic preference involved.
Upon further reflection, such doubts seemed reasonable.
...Or not.
Seeing Najik disarm at the question, adopting a crestfallen expression, led Sihyun to reconsider his stance. Perhaps he had been too forward this time.
"I'm sorry."
After noticing Najik's disappointment, Sihyun apologized, prompting a swallowed sigh from Najik, who then tousled his hair and looked down. The disappointment in his face made Sihyun keep his mouth shut, his heart pinching as if guilty for his behavior.
"I get why you asked... But do you really want to deny that I like you that much?"
There was a hint of self-mockery in his voice, prompting Sihyun to shake his head.
"It's not that I want to deny your feelings."
"Then?"
"It's just, I'm curious too..."
"About what?"
"How can someone like another person without any reason?"
How could one devote such limitless affection selflessly to someone who disregards them? What drives it to be possible?
"I'm asking because I'm curious."
"..."
"Why do you like me?"
Reiterating a question previously asked for a different purpose, he attempted to speak more gently this time, awaiting an answer. A sigh escaped Najik's lips.
"If only I knew the answer to convince you."
As if talking to himself, Najik straightened up, their eyes meeting under the dark sky.
"Since you're asking directly, I want to give you a proper answer, but like I said, Sihyun. It just happened over time. It started as curiosity, but as you kept catching my eye, I found myself liking you. Just looking at you makes me happy, to the point where your presence has grown significant."
"Even though I pushed you away?"
"Did I ever get pushed away because you did?"
"Even after being ignored?"
"It wasn't just about being ignored."
As the conversation deepened, Sihyun's gaze involuntarily sharpened, and by the end, he found himself frowning. He couldn't understand why Najik would assume such a submissive role in their relationship, why he had devoted so much time to it, or why his feelings had only grown stronger.
Frankly, if there had been a kiss between them, or if there had been more intimate contact, Sihyun might have understood a bit better.
However, their relationship had been so strictly platonic that there wasn't even a hint of physical affection, and while Sihyun's appearance might be considered attractive, it wasn't as if he possessed a divine beauty to justify a year's worth of Najik's undivided attention. The more he heard, the more absurd it seemed, even knowing that he was the object of these feelings. Najik appeared foolish for pouring out his feelings so hopelessly.
"Do you have no pride?"
"Knowing your personality, why would I bother with pride in front of you? Would you like me more if I did?"
"That's not it..."
"Exactly. So, what reason do I have to care about my pride? You prefer people who seem pitiable, right?"
"..."
"It wasn't about keeping my pride, but rather about the sympathy you might feel towards me, Sihyun."
Indeed, trying to maintain his dignity had only complicated matters further.
Najik added with a self-deprecating tone, regret evident from his experiences. The more they talked, the harder Sihyun found it to understand.
"Why go to such lengths?"
"Exactly... I just craved your attention so much that any price seemed worth it. Maybe it's not me but you who's the reason I've ended up this way, Sihyun."
"What?"
"Think about it. Since you were so harsh to me, maybe I started craving your kindness and warmth, and that turned into affection. Something like that?"
Despite Sihyun's serious inquiry, Najik's demeanor seemed even more lighthearted than when he confessed, slightly easing the awkwardness, though not to Sihyun's satisfaction. He would have preferred a more earnest response from Najik.
Throughout the past year, Najik remained an enigma to Sihyun. He had come to understand Haemin, Haru, Najik, Haewoon, and Geonu to some extent, identifying their characters, but only Najik still held many significant mysteries.
Perhaps that's why their relationship had progressed slowly, with lingering uncertainties preventing complete trust. Now, as Sihyun made a genuine effort to understand, Najik's lack of cooperation made it challenging.
Sihyun's sleepy-eyed rebuke prompted a smile from Najik.
"Sihyun."
"What?"
"You're good at studying, but you don't have to approach emotional problems theoretically."
"What are you saying?"
"You don't need to find a reason or solution for everything."
"..."
"Life is such that you can come to dislike someone without reason, or unexpectedly find someone likable. Trying to rationalize every feeling can be exhausting."
Najik's voice was unusually calm, making his words resonate more, but since Sihyun hadn't experienced such situations himself, it was hard to empathize.
"That's a difficult concept..."
Murmuring softly and furrowing his brows out of habit, Najik stood up and smoothed out the wrinkles on Sihyun's forehead.
"There's no need to force understanding if it doesn't come naturally. I wasn't expecting an answer, remember?"
"It's frustrating."
"You're frustrated?"
"Yes. And so are you."
"I don't feel particularly frustrated."
"It's not you; I find you frustrating."
It felt like all the misunderstandings that could be cleared in a lifetime were being addressed today. Sihyun bit back his words, trying to organize his cluttered thoughts while his eyes darted around. A laughter, carried by the wind, brushed past his ears.
"It's quite nice..."
Whether it was a sigh of admiration or a contented moan, it didn't seem to fit the situation. The statement "It's nice" seemed out of place amidst the confusion and negativity.
"What's nice?"
"That you're trying to understand me. It makes me worry less about you straining your mind over this, yet I'm also thrilled."
Najik's eyes curved into a half-moon, glowing with genuine joy. It had been a while since Sihyun had seen such a clear and joyful smile from Najik.
It wasn't as if he had accepted Najik's confession or apologized for ignoring him all this time.
Yet, just the attempt to understand seemed to bring immense joy to Najik, leaving Sihyun with mixed feelings. Blind emotions were overwhelming, and the disparity in their affections was burdensome.
To say he felt nothing for Najik would be a lie, but his feelings weren't as heavy or profound. Their relationship had developed from a mix of fondness and annoyance, not from attraction-based affection.
Looking deeper, what seemed light at first glance was profoundly heavy.
Convinced that understanding Najik was still a long way off, Sihyun let a gentle touch brush past his hair to the back of his ear .
"Don't overthink it. It's simply because I like you."
"..."
"It's just like that, I guess. Even if I lose, it's okay. Even if I give my all, it's okay. That's probably why they say the person who loves more loses."
These words, often heard from others, flowed from Najik's lips. When others said it, it sounded like a deeply emotional confession, but coming from Najik, it felt more like a maneuver to win Sihyun over, highlighting the importance of trust and consistency in behavior.
"So don't overcomplicate things. You liking me, it's just because it's you."
"...It's not something I can control."
"Maybe you could try dating casually to see what feelings arise."
"Are you sneaking in a ploy?"
"Did you notice?"
Somehow, there was never a moment to let down one's guard.
After giving Najik a knowing look and sighing, Sihyun leaned back comfortably. Lifting his chin slightly, the sky, now completely dark, came into view. Compared to the city, the stars seemed more visible here. Gazing at the sky, he swallowed and closed his eyes.
Just forget it all.
He wondered if there would ever come a day when he could fully understand Najik's feelings, but for now, it remained challenging to grasp Najik's emotions entirely. Relaxing in the chair, he let his body slump.
Understanding and navigating through someone's emotions, especially when they're as complex and deep as Najik's, can indeed be a daunting journey. The intricacies of human feelings, the unsaid words, and the inexplicable draw towards someone—all these elements create a tapestry of relationships that is difficult to unravel. Sihyun's and Najik's interactions reflect the struggle of comprehending emotions that defy logic, a common human experience that resonates with many.
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