After a tumultuous exchange of secrets, daily life remained largely unchanged. Time flowed as usual, classes were attended as per routine, and conversations mirrored those of ordinary days. What should have been a busy period preparing for end-of-month evaluations had shifted focus towards the upcoming final exams, due to the absence of said evaluations.
As the final exams of the first year concluded, the season transitioned. The calendar peeled away to mid-December, ushering in a colder breeze. Life was generally peaceful, aside from the unresolved incident involving a Chinese guild suspected in the evaluation debacle, which had managed to evade accountability, allowing the matter to dissipate inconclusively.
"It's unbelievable that the first year is already over."
"We haven't even had the closing ceremony yet."
"Spring break will be over before we know it."
The day before the break, Haewoon rushed to pack and invaded Kang Sihyun's room, perching on a suitcase and swinging his legs. Hamin, realizing their lack of common understanding, sighed deeply and finished packing his belongings. Haru, who had been designated to stay with Hamin until graduation, helped out, resigned to their fate as roommates for the duration of the break.
While organizing summer clothes into a box, Sihyun remained cautious of Hamin's mood. The atmosphere had awkwardly shifted after their secret-sharing session ended, leaving Sihyun yet to respond to Hamin's confession.
It was a relief, yet perplexing, that their interaction hadn't turned awkward.
Had Hamin pressed for an answer, it would have undoubtedly been uncomfortable. However, Hamin behaved as if no confession had been made, preventing any awkwardness or distance but leaving a lingering sense of unease. Sihyun couldn't shake off the feeling that Hamin was holding back, watching his reactions carefully.
"I had intended to answer before the break..."
"What?"
Seowoo's interest was piqued by Sihyun's muttering. Startled by his own voice, Sihyun denied any significance, but Seowoo's curiosity intensified. Caught off-guard and embarrassed, Sihyun pushed Seowoo away, wary of drawing Hamin's attention. Seowoo's carelessness risked misinterpretation of Sihyun's silence on Hamin's confession.
Their conversation could easily lead to misunderstandings about Sihyun sharing Hamin's confession with Seowoo. Displeased by Seowoo's piercing gaze, Sihyun gave him a look, which Seowoo acknowledged with a short hum, lifting his hands in a gesture of surrender.
"I'll drop it since it bothers you."
"Sarcasm won't make this any easier. Just pack."
Frustrated, Sihyun pushed Seowoo towards his closet. Relieved as Hamin's gaze shifted away, Sihyun contemplated responding to Hamin before the break for a peaceful rest.
Deciding, Sihyun neatly packed clothes for the break, each item prompting consideration of how to gently refuse.
"I'm sorry. I've never seen you in a romantic light."
That seemed too harsh.
"I'm sorry. I like someone else."
That wasn't entirely certain.
"I'm sorry. Let's just be friends."
"That seems the safest option..."
"What are you mumbling about?"
Startled by Hamin's sudden appearance, Sihyun stumbled backward, tripping over the suitcase and collapsing onto the bed.
"What are you doing?"
Observing Sihyun's flustered fall, Hamin spoke with a hint of annoyance. Sihyun, flustered and blushing, insisted it was nothing, echoing his earlier dismissal to Seowoo. Despite Sihyun's reassurance, Hamin seemed skeptical but chose to believe him.
"It's nothing significant."
"If you say so..."
With suspicion but acceptance, Hamin returned to packing. Sihyun glanced around; Haru was busy with his luggage, Haewoon engaged in conversation with Seowoo, and Geonu, unnoticed, slept near the entrance.
The room's occupants paid them no mind, presenting Sihyun with an opportunity.
Quickly, before Hamin could walk away, Sihyun grabbed his sleeve, prompting a confused look. Clearing his throat, Sihyun finally spoke.
"What are you doing on the day of the break?"
"Going home?"
"Meet me before you go."
"Alone."
The request felt embarrassingly intimate, stirring an awkward sensation despite its intention. Sihyun averted his gaze momentarily before facing Hamin again, the process of rejecting a confession proving more uncomfortable than anticipated.
Cautiously pulling Hamin's sleeve closer, mindful of potential eavesdroppers, Sihyun attempted a considerate gesture. Yet, Hamin's expression hardened, possibly interpreting Sihyun's actions as unnecessary.
"Don't."
"...What?"
He abruptly stopped me. Sihyun revealed his bewilderment with a look in his blue eyes. Hamin, after biting his lip briefly, wrapped his hand around the fabric of his clothes that Sihyun was holding and slowly pulled it away. Sihyun looked up at him with eyes full of confusion.
"Why?"
A hint of discomfort permeated his voice. Hamin, who had been silent for a moment, suddenly began to roughly tousle his hair.
"Damn."
A soft curse slipped from his lips. The boy let out a long sigh and carelessly fixed his disheveled hair, then clenched his hand. Sihyun frowned lightly at Hamin's tight grip, and a small groan escaped him.
"...Sorry."
Hamin muttered an apology, similar to one he had made before. Sihyun took advantage of the loosening grip to wiggle his sore fingers. It was the first time he had seen him act this way. He looked anxious, nervous, and scared. Sihyun held back from asking why again, considering the thought that briefly crossed his mind.
He knows.
He knew that I was going to reject him.
Sihyun thought it polite to respond quickly to his confession. But from Hamin's perspective, it might have felt like a confirmation kill, an unwelcome moment. Sihyun waited for Hamin's response, ready to suggest postponing their talk if Hamin wasn't ready.
After a brief moment, all the kids except Geonu finished their tasks and shifted their attention towards Sihyun and Hamin. Maybe it was the tension that made Haewoon speak up, asking if they had fought. Sihyun shook his head and lightly responded before pulling his hand away from Hamin.
"If it's not okay now, maybe next time..."
"Let's see."
"...What?"
"Let's meet tomorrow."
When you're available.
He added in a low voice. Caught off guard, Sihyun nodded and watched Hamin, who went back to packing his bag, with a long gaze. Unlike his previous hasty packing, Hamin's movements were careful and precise, reminding Sihyun of his past self.
The past self who organized his thoughts while packing.
Suddenly, Sihyun's own image overlapped with Hamin's. He turned his head away, feeling unsettled. The sound of the wind hitting the window seemed unusually loud.
***
After a night passed and daylight broke, the closing ceremony started quickly and ended just as swiftly. Sihyun, having arranged with a teacher beforehand, was able to use the classroom for a little while longer and looked out the window. He saw kids, including those from Class A, excluding himself and Hamin, laughing and leaving through the school gate. Recognizing a familiar figure, his lips naturally parted.
"Haru decided to go ahead?"
"Yeah."
"I see."
The silence was awkward. Despite opening the windows and classroom door to ventilate, the atmosphere felt stagnant. The cold winter air made Sihyun bury his chin in his padding as he turned away from the chilly window. Hamin, leaning as if sitting on a desk, came into view. Seeing the boy waiting for him to speak for the past five minutes, Sihyun overcame his hesitation and opened his mouth.
He had rehearsed the words dozens of times overnight.
This time, not forgetting them, Sihyun recited the memorized words.
"I've thought about your confession, and I don't think I can accept it."
"...Why."
Perhaps expecting his answer, Hamin asked for a reason without much surprise. Though not surprised, the sinking of his emotions was visible in his eyes, making Sihyun swallow his guilt.
"I'm not thinking about dating anyone, and it doesn't seem like the right situation for me to be in a relationship."
That was the most neutral yet accurate expression of his stance. At those words, Hamin straightened up from leaning on the desk.
"Is that all?"
"Uh? ...Yeah."
"There's nothing like you dislike me, or anything like that?"
"No, there isn't."
Honestly, it wasn't that he disliked him. He just didn't see him as a romantic partner. Shaking his head as if to say there was no one better as a friend, Hamin took a deep breath and looked straight at Sihyun before speaking.
"You didn't dislike the kiss we had?"
"......"
"It wasn't really a kiss, I didn't use tongue."
He said it matter-of-factly. It was Sihyun whose face turned red.
It wasn't something he could simply classify as liking or disliking. It was unfamiliar, sudden, and felt strange. Unable to respond immediately, Hamin asked again, "Did you dislike it?" Sihyun hesitated and then shook his head.
Then, Hamin took a step closer. Unconsciously, Sihyun swallowed, the sound echoing in his ears before disappearing, and suddenly, his
breathing sounded loud. His throat felt parched from tension, and his heart seemed to contract and expand repeatedly.
Facing Hamin's wavering blue eyes, he approached Sihyun, who was leaning against the window, and reached out his hand. His rough hand gently grasped the tips of Sihyun's fingers, with just enough force to be shaken off. When Sihyun's fingertips trembled, Hamin wrapped them softly as if to soothe him. Hamin, after staring at their hands for a moment, slowly lifted his head, his lips parting as their gazes met.
"Then give me a chance, at least."
"...What?"
"...Let's try being in a relationship, or something like that."
After a pause, Hamin said that. With a gentler tone than usual, it seemed he chose his words carefully, and the voice lingered in Sihyun's ears. The boy's red ears were visible in Sihyun's widened eyes. Sihyun held his breath as a strong winter wind blew into the classroom.
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