It was so absurd that words failed him. Kang Sihyun frowned, unable to make sense of the harsh words that were hurled at him, much like how the paper in his hand was crumpled, as if mirroring his heart.
18 years old?
Yes, it was young.
But this was reckless beyond the matter of age.
If they were ordinary people, receiving ordinary confessions, living ordinary lives, then Seowoo's words would not have been wrong. In fact, they would have been entirely correct.
Even the habits he tried to ignore spilled from his lips.
The habit of coming to conclusions on his own, not speaking until a problem was resolved, and being so engrossed in a thought that he could think of nothing else were all things he needed to change. Had he been Kang Sihyun, he would have been reprimanded many times before and would have agreed with him at any other time. He would have simply noted the overly sharp tone, which irritated him, and moved on.
But that wasn't it.
Dating or flirting was a luxury only those with leisure could afford. Only those who could afford to spend time and emotions on someone else could engage in a relationship. This opinion hadn't changed even after speaking to Hamin.
Dating is for those who have the luxury to do so.
So, did he have that luxury?
The answer was a resounding no. How could he possibly have the luxury?
Always on edge due to the premonitions Pia might have, with plenty of things to do. He had to be wary of Orcs and be on the lookout for Irregular attacks at any time, focusing on the movements of overseas guilds. There were easily over twenty things he had to worry about in a day.
That overwhelmed him, so he prioritized. The more he thought, the more he felt suffocated by ominous premonitions without actually solving anything. He hated that feeling, wanting to ease it by prioritizing and pushing unnecessary thoughts out of his mind. That was the only way he felt he could breathe a little easier.
But how could he fit confessions from children into this chaotic and tumultuous situation?
He wondered if Seowoo could say the same if their roles were reversed. Kang Sihyun stepped closer to the extent Seowoo had stepped back and looked him straight in the eye.
"Is that the only way you can speak?"
"What do you mean?"
"Just speak honestly and softly. Not scratch someone up like this. There's already enough to worry about without you being a nuisance, Seowoo."
"Annoying, huh."
"Wouldn't you be annoyed? Don't go, I'm worried. That's all you had to say instead of dragging it out like this. I'm sorry for forgetting your confession. I want to apologize for that, but I can't guarantee it won't happen again. How am I supposed to always consider your confessions and your positions? I'm too busy dealing with the issues right in front of me."
“……”
"Which is more important, lives at stake or romantic feelings? You need to survive first. Why are you so impatient? Who should really be impatient? What kind of situation requires impatience?"
He felt as if something he had been suppressing was bursting out. He felt wronged and wanted to argue. Maybe, for once, he wanted to lay everything out and question someone.
Why did this happen, why was he dealing with this, and why was the world always so harsh?
Seowoo said he was being harsh, but the weight of the world being cruel to a person and a person being cruel to another was different. It was maddening how the world constantly whipped and tormented him, and now Seowoo was adding to it.
Really.
"I always wonder what you are to me whenever I take your affection for granted. Every time you act this way towards me, already heavy and difficult, your emotions weigh down on my shoulders. Every time, it becomes too much."
"……"
"Sometimes I feel suffocated, really wanting to run away to a distant place to live alone. To escape this heavy pressure, to ignore all of your emotions."
But he couldn't, because he had resolved to protect the people dear to him. He had picked up the sword and jumped into the eye of the storm with that in mind. He looked at Seowoo, who knew nothing of his situation, silently.
His eyes were shaking, and so were Kang Sihyun's. As everything they had been holding back burst simultaneously, silence enveloped them.
His heart continued to warm. Even after spilling everything he wanted to say, he felt a lump remained.
This wasn't what he intended to say, not what he had planned.
All the suppressed emotions had exploded towards the wrong person. The blame for his emotions and the pressure he felt shouldn't have been directed at Seowoo. It was his choice, his path to walk. If there was someone to blame, it should have been the fate that forced him down this path, not Seowoo.
Realizing too late that he had blurted out his thoughts without filtering them, he took a deep breath. The atmosphere had become too heated. It was best to cool off and then talk again, so he turned to walk away towards Hahyuk, when suddenly, his wrist was caught. Kang Sihyun turned his head, not enough to hurt, but lightly enough that he could easily shake it off if he wanted.
A face filled with confusion, guilt, irritation, and sorrow entered his view.
"Let go. Didn't you tell me to go to Hahyuk?"
"...Let's talk a bit more."
"What's there to talk about here? We're both upset, let's just take some time to think and talk when we've calmed down."
It was childish, after having riled up and scratched at someone, to act like a child when it was time to leave. It wasn't just problematic that he appeared his age, but also that Kang Sihyun was swayed by Seowoo's weak demeanor. Thinking he might have been conditioned by Seowoo's droopy-eyed expressions, Kang Sihyun pulled his arm away. As he was about to walk away, a low voice whispered, stopping him in his tracks.
"Does my feeling, trouble you?"
"……"
"Is my liking for you, so burdensome that you want to leave my side?"
"……"
"To me, you're more important, Kang Sihyun. Whether the world falls apart, whether someone gets hurt or not. In the end, you're more important. You might find these words funny and think of me as just a kid, but to me... it’s..."
The voice was so soft and murmuring, almost like a monologue. The boy, whose expression wasn't fully visible as he looked down, slowly raised his head. His expression seemed like he was about to cry, but he didn't. That made it sting even more.
"If I made you feel burdened, I'm sorry. But then... what should I do? I like you so much... it's hard to bear, and it gets more urgent with each passing day. I feel like I'll go crazy every time you rush into danger. Do you think I just follow you because I'm worried? If you died, dying alongside you on the spot seems less painful. I always follow you with that in mind, Kang Sihyun."
"...Right now, because you're young, you feel like that love is everything. What are we, dying together?"
"Do you really think so? What if I continue to like you, 10 years from now, 20 years from now? Then, will you accept me?"
His voice was gentle, almost as if he was reading a fairy tale. Yet paradoxically, the emotions and time he spoke of weighed heavily. Forgetting his anger, Kang Sihyun silently gazed at him. Their priorities were different, and this clash of care had always been the case.
"You're right. I'm being impatient. I'm desperate, I'm selfish. Then, Kang Sihyun, rather... just push me away. Yell, get angry, and push me away saying you hate me. Because you don't, I always end up hoping. Just say you hate me."
It seemed easier that way.
His words and actions didn't match. Among all the expressions Kang Sihyun had seen on Seowoo, this was the most vulnerable. Listening to him straightforwardly and pushing him away would mean he'd just collapse. Seowoo stepped back a few steps, putting distance between them, as if he was the one who had been crossing lines all this time and was now obediently stepping back.
And still, he spoke.
If you push me away, I'll never cross this line again.
With a face that looked like he was about to cry any moment.
"Kang Sihyun."
"……"
"Do you hate me?"
It was a choice. If this had been a game with choices, Kang Sihyun thought this moment would be a branching point where endings diverge.
If he said he hated him, Seowoo would truly step back.
That was his nature. He would really step back, become an observer, occasionally showing a hurt expression, sometimes avoiding his place, crushing and killing his own feelings. Then, he wouldn't have to be swayed by him anymore.
But. Did he really want that?
Did he want the option where he bore it alone, moving away from him in a pitiful manner? Was that why he had come this far?
"Tsck."
Continuing his train of thought, Kang Sihyun clicked his tongue at the increasingly clear conclusion and moved his feet.
Seowoo was sometimes annoying, sometimes cold, and sometimes infuriating, but usually, he was affectionate and made Kang Sihyun feel comfortable enough to feel soothed by his touch, and strangely ticklish at times.
He was disliked yet liked, and liked yet disliked. Since neither emotion could be clearly defined, Kang Sihyun stepped closer to the retreating boy. Looking up slightly because Seowoo was a bit taller, Kang Sihyun reached out to draw him closer by the neck. As Seowoo awkwardly bent forward, bringing them close enough for their breaths to mingle, Kang Sihyun gazed directly into his eyes.
“You asked what to do. You know the answer, yet you ask again.”
“……?”
“Wait, Seowoo. Don’t be impatient, take it slow. Then, I’ll find the answer and tell you.”
“……”
“I never said I disliked you. So, wait. Stop rushing ahead on your own.”
It was as if he was asking to walk together.
The added words felt like both a request and, somehow, a command. Kang Sihyun, noticing Seowoo's surprised look which slowly relaxed into blinking, silently observed him. It seemed like there was a slight moisture on his long eyelashes.
For a while, they almost touched foreheads in silence. After a moment, realizing they were too close, Kang Sihyun was about to step back when Seowoo caught his hand and pressed it to his cheek, letting out a quiet sigh.
A sigh that seemed to shed all the built-up tension, as if he could finally breathe.
"...Yeah."
His answer came out slowly, trailing off.
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